Baby Boy

My heart is full,. On this day 18years ago, I was 41 weeks pregnant. Dr. Bourne had told me he'd let me get to 42 weeks before inducing labour if nothing had happened before then but I had to go in at 41weeks to check if Baby had changed his mind about vacating his apparently overly comfortable lodgings anytime soon. He's just Baby for now because I was quaint enough to want to be surprised by the gender of the baby, despite Dr. Bourne's amazement and constant questioning about the wisdom of that decision. 

Anyways, on that morning we get dressed and head to the hospital for an early appointment, hoping to get that out of the way quickly before getting the pancake breakfast I'd been craving. I wasn't even scheduled to see Dr. Bourne. Hed set it up for his office to just take my vitals and send me for the scan and he'd review the results later and call me to schedule when to come in the next week, since I reported that nothing had changed physically.

Well the scan was done and the technician told me she couldn't let me leave, that she'd have to page Dr. Bourne and let him make the call as to whether I got to leave or not, but she didn't think he was going to let me leave. 

Ah ah! Wharrapen? 

Apparently,  Baby had drank all the amniotic fluid. There were literally just small pockets of fluidaround him, as she showed us. Now for at least the last trimester of this pregnancy I'd drank almost as much water as I'd drunk the entire year leading up to that point. Ice cold water. It had to have shards of ice in it. I'd trade one bottle for another the moment it was all liquid. Apparenrly that was all him. He still drinks water like that today.

But I digress. Let's just say that I didn't get to leave rhe hospital till a few days after, baby in tow. 

within a couple of hours, I was admitted and labour was being induced. This baby had ro be born Pronto! 

But I haven't had breakfast! Well that's fantastic.  We can start right away.

But I'm hungry! Well this will be over in no time and you can get something to eat afterwards.

Lies! Baby had other plans. He just wouldn't budge! And, Hebrew woman that I fancied myself, I said I'd only consent to a CS as a last resort...

and we weren't at that point yet, were we? So induce on!

Well after a few hours of needless stress- thank God I'd at least consented to the Epidural, mama and baby were exhausted. Dr Bourne told me they'd stop inducing to give us both a couple of hours to rest up and then baby had to come out one way or the other. We resumed the process and after about another hour with no progress, it became clear baby needed to be forcibly evicted, for his own good.

At 5.57pm on Saturday 28th September 2002, baby boy Oluwadara Oladoyin was pulled out. The first thing I remember hearing was "look at all that hair!"

The next was comedian Dr Bourne admonishing the nurse. She had handed the swaddled baby to my husband with the usual advise, hold him like a soccer ball.

No! Dr Bourne whisper-yelled. He's Nigerian- they kick their soccer balls, not cradle them.

Chadwick

 He really was a gift wasn't he? 

One that'll keep on giving long after he's gone. His body of work, popular and otherwise; his activism; his voice... 

I'm still not sure why I had such a visceral reaction to the news of his passing. I'd admired him from a distance much like everyone else, in that absent-minded way that assumes that the object of your admiration would always be there so there was no real urgency to the expression or demonstration of that admiration. 

 From across the screen you could see what an unassuming, charming young man he was. At the same time you could tell that the currents ran deep under that calm exterior. He had a lot to say and give and he was not shy about delivering his message, perhaps because he knew he had a limited time to do so- there's something freeing about that. He never stopped living, even near the end. He enabled us to continue to really see him and hear him instead of the disease, by sparing us the news of it. But what a burden it must have been, answering questions and being in on plans about a future you weren't going to be part of. 

So here's what I've learnt: since we are not promised tomorrow, whether or not we've been giving a timeline by doctors, let's live each day like it could be the last 

Let's treat each meeting, every email, every phone call with our loved ones like it could be the last- don't leave without making amends and expressing how much we love them. 

Let's speak our truth. The consequences may be far milder than we imagine. If they're not, better to have have spoken it than to leave this side without anyone really knowing what we're about. 

Let's live our passion. It will evolve over time. Whatever it is in that moment, give it your all. 

Let's be kind to everyone we meet along the way, it really usually never costs more than we can afford to be nice. You have more capacity than you imagine. 

 Let's be courageous. Let's show up. Let the cause be bigger than our fear. 

Let's tell people our positive feelings about them. If they don't reciprocate it it's their loss, but what if they do and they're just like us, afraid. Or what if they're no longer here tomorrow- then we'll never know. 

Let's listen with or ears and our eyes and our hearts. We'll hear a lot more that way. 

Oh, and with all of today's temptation to be popular and be first to break the news, let's be loyal confidence-keepers. 

I hope that writing brings the catharsis that I'm seeking. 

This really hurts. The frailty of rhe lives we deem so precious has been held before our eyes. I hope the lessons stay with us. I hope that the candle he's lit continues to burn.

And oh, I pray that what he saw happens.

Love and light

The househelp dilemma

I just watched a video of a housemaid who was caught trying to poison her madam by mixing her drinking water with insecticide. All premeditated, as she had apparently retrieved the bedroom key from its hiding place in order to do this.

If you're from these parts you've probably seen at least a couple of versions of this story- housemaid stole, tried to poison, maltreated younger child, pooped in plates/pots/pans, etc
What I find to be a common thread in these situations is that the housemaid is usually quite young, or sometimes an older teenager who's been a housemaid for several families since she was a young girl.
Now I know that it is dang near impossible to be a working woman in this clime without any help in the home and I know that there's no foolproof solution but here's the thing- 

1) These girls are young and immature. Teenagers take foolish decisions even under the best circumstances
2) They witness your children's privilege. A privilege that they have been denied through no fault of theirs. That can make anyone bitter
3) As an employer, it is natural to expect certain standards of your employees. You won't cut them the slack that you would any other child of that age that you know. To your mind they're your employee and that's unacceptable. To their minds, junior did the exact same thing the other day and you just shook your head.
You're both right!
4) I think we can agree that practically noone willingly wants to be in this situation. So there's got to be some natural resistance within their spirit and their psyche, to this situation that they find themselves in
5) Some of them left home so young they barely had time to learn anything, and yet they're expected to naturally be able to carry out all these chores because they are housemaids.
6) A good number of them have endured physical and/or sexual abuse, some over a long period
7) 100% of them have some psychological trauma as a result of all of the foregoing- who wouldn't?

There's so much more that could be said but I think the key is this- 

DON'T EMPLOY UNDERAGE KIDS AS HOUSEHELPS.
Employ an adult who can engage on their own terms.
It really can be as simple as that.
A lot of people don't even really make the connection between child trafficking and forced labour with the young maids in their homes. Take another look!

It's not enough that they're given nice clothes or sent to the neighbourhood school. They really need to be allowed to be kids.
▪️I know that the economic reality of this region may sometimes mean that that is the only chance at an education that this child gets, but if he/she has to clean up after and serve the family, or has to look after another child, or really do anything else that the other kids in the home don't have to do then perhaps we need to revisit the idea?
▪️I know also that some would argue that they may have to do those things anyway if they were with their natural families. 

That's true. Every child should help out at home. In which case no child would have to do it outside of their own home.

The law of Demand and Supply is universal. Supply only dries up when there's no demand.

So how do I get the help that I need around the house?
i) As I said before, contract with an adult. The terms will probably be different but it's better for everyone in the long run.
You can view it the same as you view your relationship with your driver, tailor, supplier, etc. One where there's a two-way conversation and hopefully mutual respect but you're still paying the piper so you can dictate the tune.
ii) Another way to get some help that's much less popular today is to have a relative live with you.
a) If you have a niece/nephew/brother/sister/cousin that's a young adult and just starting out in life they can live in your house rent-free and help with the kids.
There can be a schedule that's well thought-out and upfront that allows everyone in the household to pitch in as required and still have a life.
b) Or you could get an older relative to help out- an unmarried or widowed aunt, a relatively young grandma, etc.
These may involve being creative about role sharing but are still viable options. For example the gateman may become responsible for sweeping the compound, perhaps for a little extra money, the preteen may become responsible for taking out the bin, etc
iii) Or get a combination of a live-in relative and a live-out adult maid if a live-in adult maid is not an option. That way you get the help AND the supervision you need.

The bottom line is that we have to get creative and think widely about what alternate scenario could work for our household, one that does not involve an underage child as a househelp.

I hope someone takes a second look at their situation on account of this post.

Love and light.